why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
