we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
