Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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