You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
