Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
