Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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