I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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