And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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