I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
