I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
