You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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