btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize
