Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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