I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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