Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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