Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
