You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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