while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
