Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
