i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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