She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
