Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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