I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
