I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
