Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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