This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Someone shattered a urinal.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
