I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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