Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
