totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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