Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
