Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
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