My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
