I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
