im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Randomize
