Just fell off a train. Bad.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Do vagina's smell?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
