I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Randomize
