Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
