I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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