in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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