2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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