Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
