So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize