He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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