Who wears a wallet chain?!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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