I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
