No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you win again, gameday.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
