does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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