I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Houston, we have a squirter
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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