I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize