Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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