apparently the secret to your success is patron
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
