i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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