I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm bleeding and have questions
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
