I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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