now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
