I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
