Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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